


Strap in, we're getting Jeff Winger some inner peace

by jabedalien



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Body Image, Gen, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Kid Fic, M/M, Single Parent Jeff Winger, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28777527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jabedalien/pseuds/jabedalien
Summary: As much as I love to write angst, sometimes I think about how dark Jeff’s character truly is in community and it just brings me to tears (like right now as I write this). Because I know he isn’t real, but I still feel like he deserves better somehow. I love the show, but Jeff had a really terrible past, then went through so much in canon as well and I feel like he never truly healed. I really wanted to see what kind of person he could be, because he has so much potential to really sweet and fulfilled but those moments are few and far between in the show. So I changed Jeff’s circumstances going into Greendale, and ignored the vast majority of canon events in favor of Jeff Winger being a happy, functional adult who’s loved by his friends and family as much as he loves them.
Relationships: Abed Nadir & Jeff Winger, Abed Nadir/Jeff Winger
Comments: 19
Kudos: 37





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> Let’s be real here: I don’t want to write an OC, and you don’t want to read my attempt at an OC. However, one exists because I didn’t want to implicate any existing characters in this plotline. So I tried to write her in as little as possible while also avoiding Sam Winchester’s Faceless Wife Syndrome. Thank you Jules for the name!!  
> Also this is tooth-rotting fluff to the degree I have absolutely never tried to write in my life. This took way too much research yet I still don’t know anything about like what ages kids do certain things.
> 
> Each Chapter is 1 year of the baby's life (born/an infant in the prelude, 1 year old in Chapter 1, and so on).

Jeff is slowly falling from his couch onto the floor when he hears his phone ringing. By the time he’s found it, wedged between the couch cushions, the call had almost been dropped. He reads the name, and makes the split second decision to pick up the call.

“Hey, Jeff, it’s Harmony, sorry we haven’t really talked in a while.”

He’s just drunk enough, a half-full glass between his fingers, to say something pretty dumb but unprecedentedly honest.

“Harmony, you’re great and all, like really funny and crazy smart, and we could totally be friends if I was the type to have any friends, but since the last time we saw each other I’ve realized some things about myself, and I actually think we would have had potential together if you weren’t a—”

“Jeff!” She interrupts. “We can talk about that in a second, but if I don’t say this now I’m never gonna be able to.”

“Just letting you know, we’re a little old for prank calls.”

“Not a prank call. I swear. I’m pregnant. And we can get a paternity test, whatever you want, but, well there’s really no way it could be anyone’s but yours.”

“Five months?” Jeff says under his breath after counting it out.

“Yep. I know I should have told you sooner, but I just didn’t know how.” Harmony answers. “I’m going to give her up for adoption. But I just wanted to let you know. Before Ancestry.com does in 18 years or something fucked up like that.”

He’s been at least somewhat sobered up by the topic of conversation, and every coherent part of his brain is telling him _No_. That for some reason this isn’t how it’s supposed to go.

“Would you be open to doing something else?” Jeff asks.

“That depends on what you mean. I’m not ready to raise a kid.”

“Wouldn’t expect you to.” Jeff replies. “What if.. what if I took her?”

The words are falling out of his mouth faster than he can think them and he has no idea why he can’t stop himself. If you would have asked him yesterday, hell, asked him ten minutes ago, he would have said he wasn’t ready to raise a kid, especially not to do it alone. But here he was, with the opportunity in front of him, and there was something deep inside him that was screaming that this is his chance, that he needs to take it right now and not let it slip by. That he’s been in a room without doors and suddenly there’s an open window. For the first time in his life, Jeff entertains the possibility that the world has some big, cosmic reason to it.

“Listen, I didn’t think this was where this conversation was gonna go. But if that’s what you want to do, I’m up for it.” Harmony says. “Maybe… sleep on it or something. We can both sleep on it.”

“That uh, sounds pretty good. Thanks.” Jeff says. “For actually considering doing this.”

“Hey, I’m not up for having a kid right now. If you are, I can’t see why you shouldn’t have her.”

“I don’t know if I am, but I’m really banking on that whole thing about no one thinking they’re ready actually being true.”

“I’m sure you’d figure it out. And sorry for the turn this took but, you… realized something?”

“I actually entirely forgot about that. It’s a long story, or I guess it really isn’t—"

…

They’d dated for a few months, the last ones Jeff spent with a law degree. When he’d gotten caught there he ended things with her before she could do it first. Since then he’s spent most this time drinking and watching tv. Maybe it was something about slowing down for the first time, allowing himself enough time alone to actually _think_ , something he hadn’t done at all in the years he was practicing law. Thinking that led to him realizing a lot of things, mostly considering the fact that he didn’t really _like_ women, at least not in the way he’d been trying to force himself to for as long as he could remember. Between that and everything that happened in reaction to it all, the things Jeff refuses to rope into his thoughts right now, he knew he needed to change, to start over. He couldn’t figure out _how_ though, and spent his days getting drunk on the couch and thinking about how he was going to buy a Mercedes before he’d gotten disbarred, and now he was living off the money he’d saved for that. He could never decide if it was an utterly stupid idea from the start, or if he’d still do anything for that car. Now he thinks about how likely he is to be driving that Lexus for the rest of his adult life.

He told Harmony he’d sleep on it, but he never quite did. Instead, he sat with his knees pulled up to his chest, in an armchair facing the window. He barely moved other than to keep his legs from falling asleep in increasingly tangled positions. And he didn’t stop thinking about it, about the past few months, about where this kid fit into that, not even as the sun came up, a precious few minutes where even Jeff’s shitty apartment has a million-dollar view. By the time it was shining overhead he wasn’t sure if he felt any better, or different, or maybe just temporarily rattled on his tracks by unexpected news and a sleepless night. He hoped it wasn’t the last one.

Harmony calls him again early the next morning, sounding like she hadn’t slept much more than he did. But with their original positions on marginally surer footing, they talk. About so many things, each one heavier than the last. The back and forth is amicable, and Jeff almost laughs to himself when he thinks that it’s sort of lucky that this is the only relationship he’s ended on even slightly good terms. But they’re still tense, fear strung out over the telephone lines. Jeff tells her things he’s never told anyone else, about his dad leaving, about what he was like before he left. And he told her he wanted to right those wrongs in some way. To prove that he could be a father, without turning into his own.

When Jeff hangs up the phone, after a call that had taken them into the afternoon, he gets out a blank notebook from the pile of office supplies he’d stolen from the law firm, and starts making lists. The first hour covers fifteen pages. The headings are scrawled in caps; _Cribs, Appointments, Strollers, Food, School, Pediatricians, Voluntary Termination of Parental Rights_. Under them are name brands and product reviews, information pulled from law textbooks he’s never opened in his life, the question _Do you have to teach babies to talk or do they just do that?_ circled at the bottom of a page. The lists multiply, onto his phone, sticky notes on the fridge and the dashboard of his car. Once he trails one into the grocery store, and a woman hands him the note, imprinted with the tracks of her stroller, that reads _What if she’s allergic to peanuts?_ , and recommends some books to him. They go on another list.

He’s gone from having nothing to do after being disbarred to being so swarmed with tasks that they’re spilling out of his ears. But he found himself moving along, checking boxes and tearing pages out and starting new ones, each day a variation of it. He had a purpose, some confusing, beautiful, terrifying thing running right at him that made him actually want to face the next day. Made the years ahead seem like they could really _be_ something, when he hadn’t been able to conceive of anything at all in his future, that maybe he didn’t peak saying things he didn’t mean in cases he didn’t agree with under a title he hadn’t really earned. He went to bed reminding himself that he was real, that he could make a real difference in the real life of his real kid, that he could throw away all the fake crap.

…

Jeff was walking through the mall, his bank account depressingly low, because kids are _expensive_ , even before they’re born. He’s outside the frozen yogurt shop when he’s handed a flyer. He holds it out, scanning the fine print, until he comes across a line that reads _“free daycare for all students.”._ He wonders, briefly, how this school was making any money, when he would probably be saving more on daycare costs than he was spending in community college tuition. But anywhere that hired Ian Duncan wasn’t setting a very high bar for itself in the logic department. And he didn’t need a good school, just _a_ school, so that someday his _kid_ could go to a good school. The thought made his stomach drop for the tenth time that day. He folded the paper up and put it in his jacket pocket, where it stays for a few months.

Then there are appointments with Harmony, which are only slightly uncomfortable when the doctors realize their plans for the baby, and meetings with lawyers, which are equally awkward when they realize who Jeff is.

“What do you want to name her?” Harmony asks as the ultrasound images shift around the baby. It’s not his first time seeing it, but Jeff still can’t quite get used to the idea that those shapes are a human being.

Jeff was sort of hoping she’d have an opinion on the matter, because it seemed like an impossible decision. For some reason, only one name stuck in his head.

“Is she gonna get made fun of for this name?” He asks.

When he tells Harmony the name, shrugs and shakes her head. “I mean my name’s sort of unusual and I like it just fine. But maybe that’s just how I am.”

“Is this unusual in a nice way though? Or in that way where everyone’s gonna think it’s really stupid and that I can’t spell like Makyleigh or something like that—” 

…

He gets the call from Harmony on a Wednesday afternoon. It’s January 28th, two days before the due date. Jeff tells himself it’s good luck that he found out while he was sitting in that same chair in his living room, looking out the window. But he’d also spent most of his time waiting for the call in that chair for going on three days now. The sun was bright on his way there, shining in despite the visor, not a cloud in the sky.

Jeff spends the beginning of the delivery next to Harmony, until everything is moving too quickly and he feels like the whole room was spinning around. Looking back, the entire thing feels like a loud, blurry dream. A dream where he walks into the hospital with an empty carrier and leaves late the next day with a baby in it. A real, breathing baby. And they’re just letting him walk out of there, with a whole human person, like he’s pulled off an elaborate heist.

When he parts ways with Harmony, she says goodbye to him, then to the baby, her carrier strapped into the backseat. She gets out of the car and walks into her apartment building, looking back just once as the door’s closing, with a smile Jeff’s hoping is meant to be encouraging. 

He tries to drive, but he keeps trying to see the baby’s reflection through the mirrors. After a few blocks he gives up, stops the car in a parking lot and unbuckles her. She’s so small in his hands that he can’t fully believe people start out like this, can’t believe he isn’t going to break her somehow.

“It’s you and me now, alright Sunny?” Jeff whispers. “Always. I promise.”

Sunny blinks back at him. He sits there, rocking her for what feels like hours before he thinks he can look away long enough to drive them home. After he puts her back in the car seat, he reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out the flyer.

“You really think this is a good idea?” Jeff asks.

The noise Sunny makes back seems positive enough, and Jeff decides to enroll at Greendale Community College that fall.

…

FALL

The daycare at Greendale seems nice, clean enough and not terribly understaffed, even if the televisions only plays VHS tapes. Sunny seems to like it, crawling around next to another baby, who she has a nonsensical babbling conversation with before investigating a block.

He should have just told the study group about Sunny on the first day. He doesn’t, maybe because he doesn’t want to get close to these people, or because he doesn’t want to answer their questions, or because he really does like them and is afraid of them judging him. Instead he picks up her up a little later from the daycare to account for their meetings, avoids any questions about his personal life like the plague and keeps his distance.

Of course, he does really like them. He can’t help but see something in all of them that he wants his kid to grow up to be. Determined like Annie, loyal like Shirley, kind like Troy, headstrong like Britta. He wasn’t too sure about Pierce yet, but maybe there was something. Then there was Abed. There were so many things about Abed he’d love for his kid to be, indiscriminately kind to everyone but unafraid to call them out when they need it, intelligent in a way Jeff had never seen in a person before, creative and insightful rather than just a receiver of good grades. Jeff was closed off, hid huge parts of himself, including not telling his only friends that he had a kid. He was biting and barbed and rough around the edges to everyone except Sunny without much reason at all, and not particularly smart or talented at anything. But, oddly enough, Abed and the rest of them seemed to like him anyway.

…

WINTER

It's been a few months since he started at Greendale and Jeff has managed to keep Sunny from the group. This kid is _his_ , he reminds himself, and he doesn’t need the rest of them involved. He can do this on his own, he knows that, reminds himself of it every day when he’s shoving diapers and rattles to the bottom of his backpack so the others can’t see them.

Until one day he’s doing math where none of the numbers add up and he has to get a smaller apartment. Then he manages to mess up the dates, and there’s three days where he can’t live in the old one and he still won’t have the keys to the new one. Maybe he could get a hotel, but the whole reason he was doing this in the first place was that he didn’t have any _fucking_ money. He crumples a page from his notebook and throws it across the room. Then keeps thinking, trying to figure out a solution somewhere between the lines.

Sunny starts to cry as he’s about to pass out on the kitchen table. He gets her from her crib and grabs a bottle, rocking her on the yellow chair that now sits in her nursery. It’s the only piece of furniture Jeff really cares about holding onto. As she starts to fall back asleep Jeff watches her, trying to decide which of the study group he should get in touch with. Britta’s house would never be baby-proofed, Annie’s was the size of a matchbox and situated over a dildo shop, Troy lived with his parents, Shirley’s house was busy enough already, and Pierce’s mansion was out of the question entirely. So he takes his phone out and texts Abed.

_Jeff: Do you still have an empty bed in your dorm?_

_Abed: Yep._

_Jeff: Any chance I can stay there for a few days?_

_Like, starting tomorrow?_

_Abed: Sure, you can stay as long as you want._

_Jeff: Isn’t the school going to ask some questions?_

_Abed: They don’t care what happens in the dorms, believe me._

…

The next day at school neither of them mentions the arrangement, aside from Abed saying _“See you later”_ after study group in a way that feels purposeful. Before he knocks on the door, he grabs Sunny’s hand, and her head turns up to look at him.

“We’re gonna be good tonight, right? And Abed is definitely going to let us stay, and not hate me forever for lying to him, because you’re too cute to be upset with.”

Sunny babbles back at him in agreement, so he takes a deep breath and knocks. When Abed swings the door open, his eyes spend a few moments shifting between Sunny’s face and his above it, frozen in confusion, and Jeff swears he can see the gears turning in his head. He doesn’t know Abed particularly well, but enough that he can tell Abed’s putting together all of Jeff’s stupid excuses, all the times he showed up late, the dinners and weekend outings he could never make it to and the way he came in on weekdays with bags under his eyes and said he had been at the bar.

“This wasn’t the mid-season plot twist I expected.” Abed finally says.

“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint.”

The interesting thing about Abed, Jeff realizes, is that he clearly knew something was up all along. He probably didn’t place “Secret Baby” high on his list of predictions, but there definitely _was_ a list. Abed surely knew that the distance Jeff put between himself and the rest of the group was relevant to the plot, and that the reason was being foreshadowed all around them. It’s why Abed told him he could stay at his place without question, why he doesn’t close the door right now, why he’s the only person Jeff can trust with this.

“It’s not. Disappointing, that is. Nice baby.” Abed finally says after a deafening pause.

“Thanks, I made it myself. Or maybe just helped someone else make it. Now that I’m saying it, I really didn’t do much at all. It’s a long story and it doesn’t really matter. But—but she’s all mine now.”

“You...?” Abed gingerly reached out a hand towards Sunny, who latched onto his pointer finger with two stubby hands. “So this is really your baby?”

“Can you not see the resemblance?” Jeff teased.

She looked like a baby, as in, a lot like Winston Churchill and pretty much nothing like how Renaissance artists painted babies. There were very few features to distinguish her from any other baby, with little tufts of dark hair and a green onesie, but her eyes were bright blue, just like Jeff’s.

“I had to downsize apartments and I already felt pretty—“ Jeff put his hands over Sunny’s ears before continuing, “—fucking terrible. And then I realized there were three days between leaving the old place and moving into the next one. So I know this, her and I, isn’t exactly what you agreed to earlier but—“

“Jeff _. Jeff_. Of course it’s okay. We’re friends, right?”

Jeff tries not to give away how much he’s feeling when he nods his head yes. Sunny looks up at him and decides it’s the right time for her to nod as well. “Yeah. We’re friends.”

“Cool cool cool. I don’t think I’m very good with babies though.” Abed says.

“She seems to like you plenty already, her not crying is saying a lot on its own.”

“Does anyone else know?” Abed asks, carefully stepping closer to Sunny. 

“Just you. I don’t know why I haven’t said anything. I guess I feel like I should have from the beginning, because now everyone’s gonna be upset with me when they find out.”

“No one’s gonna be mad at you Jeff.” Abed says. “Even though it does mess with the cool lawyer image quite a bit.”

“Having a baby strapped to my chest doesn’t make me uncool, alright? I won’t hear of it.”

“Fine.” Abed answers. “Does the baby have a name?”

“Forgot that part for a second. Her name’s Sunny.”

“Short for Sunshine?” Abed asks.

“Nope, just Sunny.”

“It should be short for Sunshine.” Abed says back.

“Well, it isn’t, but you can call her Sunshine if you really want to. I don’t think she’ll know the difference.”

“Cool. Want to come in now?”

“You’re gonna have to help me get some things from my car. You would not believe how much _stuff_ babies need.”

The baby did need a ton of stuff, and Abed spent the whole walk to the parking lot and back watching the man next to him carefully. Editing Jeff Winger’s character sheet, because clearly there were more things missing than Abed ever could have guessed. He’s so different now than he is at the head of the table, laughing to himself as he entertains Sunny by making her stuffed elephant dance in front of her. It seems like someone finally knowing has opened him up a little, because he spends the walk there telling him all about her going to daycare, how he’s really sorry but there’s no way she’s going to sleep through the night, how she’s been shaking her hands in an effort to use her tiny baby sign language. 

When they bring her stuff back to the dorm Jeff warms a bottle up and, after seeing Abed’s eyes follow him the entire time, holds it out to him.

“You wanna feed her?” Jeff asks.

“I don’t know how.” Abed says, taking half a step back.

“It’s not rocket science.” Jeff teases. “Sit down.”

Abed gets on the couch and Jeff passes Sunny to him. Those eyes that are all Jeff’s look up at him, and when he smiles she matches it. The weight of her in his arms is warm and solid, and once she’s settled against his chest, Jeff hands him the bottle. Sunny reaches for it with her clumsy arms until Abed brings it to her mouth and she eagerly stars to drink.

“This is pretty amazing.” Abed whispers, his voice full of quiet wonder.

“I know.” Jeff smiles.

After Sunny takes the bottle, she drifts off to sleep, and Jeff carefully places her in the little crib they set up next to the couch. Jeff falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow on Abed’s bottom bunk.

…

The second Sunny starts to cry Abed’s eyes shoot open. The clock says it’s almost three in the morning, and he climbs down from the top bunk, tiptoeing over to the crib. He leans over and gingerly picks her up. As soon as he lifts her, the crying stops. He goes to put her back down and it starts up again.

“Abed?” Jeff calls, his voice scratchy as he gets up.

“I have her. I don’t think she needs a new diaper, though.” He replies.

“She probably just wants me to hold her.” Jeff says back, walking over to them.

Sunny starts to cry as Abed goes to pass her to Jeff.

“Maybe she wants you to hold her.” Jeff laughs after three attempts at handing her off.

Abed adjusts her until she’s secure in his arms. “That’s fine.”

He sits down on the couch with her against his chest, and Jeff sits down next to him, running a hand down her back. 

“What are you doing?” Abed asks as Jeff presses his nose up to Sunny.

“She still has the new baby smell.” Jeff says.

Abed puts his face up to her hair and breathes in, and she does smell like baby powder and shampoo in an oddly comforting way.

“I’ve got a cute kid, right?” Jeff yawns, leaning into Abed’s shoulder.

“You really do.”

“S’cute. Perfect lil baby.” Jeff mumbles before his eyes shut entirely.

Jeff can fall asleep practically anywhere, Abed’s seen him nap for exactly four minutes on the couch in the study room when he has a break, or doze off in the middle of class until someone nudges him awake or Pierce starts throwing papers into his mouth. Abed had always written it off as Jeff just being the leading man whose carefree attitude usually turns more _careless_. But now it’s clear that Jeff’s always just been exhausted and trying to get a few minutes of rest whenever he can. That Jeff cared, cared a lot more than Abed thought, just not about the things he expected him to. Jeff starts to snore against Abed just as Sunny falls asleep in his arms, and he stays like that, listening as Jeff’s breathing steadies and watching Sunny’s tiny fingers move as she sleeps.

When Jeff moves into his new apartment a few days later, Abed still doesn’t mention anything to the rest of the group. He wants to tell Troy, even almost lets it slip by mistake a few times, but always stops himself. When the group asks why he’s late, why he can’t make it tonight, why they can’t get together at his place, Jeff sends him a look and Abed covertly covers for him.

It isn’t his truth to tell, but he’s nudged his way into Jeff’s other life, and the price of being there is holding onto Jeff’s secrets, one Abed is more than willing to pay. Secrets like how excited Jeff is in the grocery store aisle when they’re picking out foods for Sunny to try for the first time. The fact that he’s never heard Jeff use baby talk with her before, instead he sits her in his lap and makes a conversation out of her babbling. All her tiny shoes lined up in a perfect row and the look in Jeff’s eyes when he holds a pair in the palm of his hand.


	2. 1 Year

“Well, I know how you feel about Leonard but I can’t believe that.” Jeff laughs.

“I _know_.” Shirley replies. “Things were crazier than usual.”

They’d spent the last ten minutes after study group walking the halls and recapping the drama of the week, which was admittedly one of Jeff’s favorite things about Friday afternoons.

“Are you going to drop the kids off at soccer with me too?” Shirley asks suddenly.

“What do you mean?” Jeff answers.

“Well you’ve practically walked all the way to the daycare with me.”

“Your kids don’t go to the daycare here.”

Shirley narrows her eyes. “You’re right, but the babysitter called out sick today, so I brought them here.”

Jeff turns from Shirley’s prying eyes to the hallway in front of him and realizes he’s too late. They’re about to round the corner and he won’t be able to get out of this in time. If it was someone else he might’ve had a shot at ducking away at the last second, but there was no getting anything past Shirley.

As soon as he was in sight Sunny was running up to the gate and holding her arms out to him, and he reached over to pull her up.

“Jeffrey, what are you doing?” Shirley asks, staring at Sunny’s giggling face and her hand grabbing at the collar of his sweater.

“Dada.” Sunny babbles.

“ _Jeffrey_.” Shirley repeats.

“There… may be some things I haven’t told you.” Jeff mutters.

He puts his head down and goes to sign Sunny out, but Shirley’s blocking his path before he can slink away.

“Are you going to tell me now?” Shirley asks.

“Can we keep it between us?”

“Of course.” She replies without hesitation.

“Well she was born last January, and it doesn’t really matter how I ended up with her but I did, and I know you aren’t into the whole out-of-wedlock thing but I’m really trying—”

“Jeffrey,” Shirley interrupts, “all I see is that you’re here, and I’m guessing you didn’t really have to be.”

Jeff shrugs then nods his head a little, bouncing Sunny on his hip. “Technically, I suppose not.”

“So you ended up with a kid you weren’t exactly expecting, and instead of doing the easy thing you did the right one. I was married when I had my kids but that didn’t keep Andre around. How she came about isn’t any of my business if you’re here for her now. That’s what counts to anyone worth a damn.”

“Thanks, Shirley.” Jeff says. “I was really afraid you wouldn’t approve.”

“I don’t have a problem with this, I don’t have a problem with anything about you, Jeff.”

Jeff swallows the knot in his throat at the second part that he had never quite been able to convince himself was true.

“Oh, okay.” Jeff mutters, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“And can I hold her? She’s adorable.” Shirley asks, leaning forward and letting Sunny latch onto her hand.

Jeff laughs and hands Sunny over to Shirley, who has her comfortable and giggling at her game of peek-a-boo in a few seconds.

“You’re a good man, Jeff.” Shirley says as she signs her own kids out and passes Sunny back to him. “I know you’re going to be a good father, too.”

“I hope so.” Jeff says back. “That means a lot coming from you.”

“You can talk to me whenever you need, okay? I still remember what it was like to be a new parent, you know.”

…

“Any plans for this weekend?” Annie asks Abed as she’s packing up her things from Anthropology class.

Everyone else has left, eager to start the weekend, even Duncan is long gone, but Abed never finds himself in a rush to get back to his dorm room, and Annie refuses to leave without skimming her notes one last time.

“Jeff and I were going to watch a movie tomorrow.” Abed replies.

“Like a _date_?” Annie asks with a smirk.

“No.” He answers. “Just hanging out.”

“Listen, I can tell you like him.” Annie says as she zips up her backpack. “Can’t you talk to him about it? During your basically-a-date-anyways tomorrow?”

“It’s not that simple.” _i.e.; We’re watching a kid’s movie. With his baby._

“So you _do_ like him?” Annie asks. “It’s not a hard question!”

“I—No, I don’t. I don’t.” _i.e.; I can’t._

“Abed, it really seems like he likes you too! From how often you hang out, I can hardly believe you’re not together already.”

“It’s. Not. That. Simple.” Abed spits back.

Before Annie can say anything, he turns around and leaves, because he can’t figure out any other way to get to the end of the conversation without revealing all the things he doesn’t want to. In a few minute’s time he’s getting to his dorm room, turning on the tv, and making his way through an entire box of Lucky Charms like the answer to all his feelings comes in a plastic-wrapped prize at the bottom of the bag.

An hour later, there’s a knock at his door.

“I’m really sorry about before.” Annie says sheepishly. “It’s not my business and I shouldn’t have pried.” 

“It’s okay, I know you mean well. I’m sorry for walking out on you.” Abed says. “But there’s a lot going on in Jeff’s life, and I don’t think he’s ready for that type of relationship. And if he was I don’t think it’d be with me. So I hope that answers your question without me having to actually answer your question.”

“Understood.” Annie nods, but she seems sad. “I was also thinking, if you’re not busy, you and I could hang out?” She offers, holding up a packet of microwave popcorn and a Legally Blonde DVD.

“I already have this, but I appreciate you bringing it.” Abed says, grabbing the DVD and letting her in.

About halfway through the movie, there’s another knock at his door. He figures it’s Pavel looking for some ingredient for whatever food he’ll be sharing with Abed eventually, or hopefully Vicky returning the movies she borrowed from him last week.

Instead it’s Jeff, Sunny strapped to his chest just like she was when he first showed up here months earlier.

“Are you watching Legally Blonde in here? I could hear it from outside.” Jeff says. “Sorry to drop by unannounced, but I think Sunny missed you.”

Jeff’s all smiles until Abed doesn’t reply, just stares blankly back at him.

“Who’s that?” Annie calls out from the couch.

“It’s Pavel.” Abed answers, stepping out into the hallway and closing the door behind him before Annie can look.

“ _Oh_. Is Annie in there?” Jeff asks as the door clicks shut.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting her to come over, but I don’t know if you want to see her considering you’ve got Sunshine with you.”

Jeff looks past the top of Sunny’s head and down at the ground for a second, biting his lip in thought before looking up at Abed. “I guess you’re right. Tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah. See you guys tomorrow.”

As Jeff turns and walks down the hall, Abed isn’t sure what to feel. He wants to grab Jeff and drag him back, tell him it’s all going to be alright and Annie’s going to think the baby’s perfect. But he can’t find the words to say it, so he goes back inside and pretends none of it happened. Sits back down next to Annie and stares at the screen, avoids thinking about what she asked him and how he surprised himself with his answer.

…

“I can’t wait to have kids someday, dressing them in all those adorable tiny clothes and stuff.” Annie says. The study group is just settling in at their seats, carrying on a conversation that must’ve started out in the hallway.

“You’d be a really good mom, Annie. The type with a color-coded calendar for all her kid’s events.” Troy tells her, and she returns a grateful smile.

“Thanks. You’d be a great dad Troy, I bet you’d have so much fun with your kid.”

“You think so?” Troy grins.

“Definitely, Troy.” Britta says. “You’d totally know how to talk to them.”

Just then Jeff and Abed walk into the room and go over to their seats.

“What about Jeff?” Annie asks. 

“God, Winger should never have kids. That’s basically _guaranteeing_ them daddy issues.”

“You’re so right.” Annie laughs. “Jeff _raising a kid_?”

“Poor thing would be in therapy their whole lives.” Britta adds.

“Jeff would be a better dad than mine was. Which isn’t saying much, but it’s something.” Pierce chimes in.

When Jeff picks his head up, his face is calculated, steeled against any real expression, and he flashes his usual grin. “Pierce, listen carefully, because I’ll never say this again. Thank you.”

“Oh come on, Pierce doesn’t know shit.” Britta says.

“You’re one to talk.” Shirley says back. “I am a parent, and I think that Jeff’s—that Jeff would be a really sweet dad.”

“I would think that would make it even more obvious to you Shirley, I mean he’s inherently unfit to be a father.” Annie says.

At that, Jeff stands up from his chair without a word and turns to the door.

“Jeff, we’re just messing with you.” Britta protests.

“I’ll be right back.” Jeff replies, already walking past the windows outside the study room.

Abed considers following Jeff, but he isn’t sure where he’s going, so instead he surveys the rest of the table. Shirley’s hand is shaking, and she puts her other one on top of it like she has to physically hold herself back from saying anything. Annie and Britta are looking up at each other then back at the tabletop in guilt. Troy kicks his leg under the table, then kicks it again when Abed doesn’t acknowledge it.

“Am I missing something?” Troy stage-whispers over to Abed. “Why’s Jeff so mad?”

“Long story.” Abed replies through gritted teeth.

He’s starting to wish he followed Jeff. It’s been a few minutes, and part of him can see Jeff sitting in his car or an empty classroom right now, his shoulders shaking like they always do when he’s upset, broken up over his friends unwittingly tearing into his biggest insecurities. Abed wants to make this right, be there for Jeff, but he doesn’t know how, he never does. It’s not like he really can, not in the way he wants, one where _be there for Jeff_ and _kiss him on the mouth_ are sort of the same thing.

Right as he’s about to go looking for him, Jeff walks back in with Sunny in his arms.

“Dang Jeff, where’d you get a baby that fast?” Troy asks in amazement.

“This is _my_ baby. I signed her out of daycare so you can all marvel at how terribly adjusted she is.”

Annie’s eyes widen in shock. “You can’t be serious, Jeff—”

“He’s completely serious.” Shirley interrupts.

“Wait, you knew?” Britta jumps in.

“I still don’t believe it.” Annie adds.

The whole table erupts into overlapping arguments, until no one can hear anything, and Sunny starts to wail. Everyone looks up at Jeff, whose cradling Sunny in his arms and trying to calm her down without much success. When he realizes they’re all staring, his face turns bright red, and he walks over to Abed, handing Sunny off to him.

“I’ll be right back, okay? I just need a minute.” Jeff says quietly, and Abed can’t tell which one of them he’s talking to.

The room is stunned into silence as Jeff walks out the door. Britta and Annie sulk into their seats again, and after a few seconds of bouncing her on his knee Abed gets Sunny to quiet down. When she finally does, the group’s watching him, waiting for an explanation that he will apparently have to give.

“This really is Jeff’s baby, alright?” Abed starts as she hooks a hand around one of his fingers. “Her name’s Sunshine, it’s Sunny actually, but I just call her that, and I know you guys were just messing around but Jeff’s —”

He stops to put his hands over Sunny’s ears. “a good fucking dad. Really good. He tries really hard and always does the right thing for her and I know you’re all confused as hell, but Jeff wanted to tell you. He was just afraid of… well he was afraid of it going like this.”

When Abed’s done talking he looks up to see Jeff coming back into the room. Britta gets up from her chair and wraps her arms around Jeff in a hug before he can say anything.

“I didn’t mean it.” Britta says. “I’m sure you’re a great dad, Jeff.”

“Me too.” Annie says, joining them. “And if you ever need a babysitter just let us know, okay?”

“It’s alright, guys.” Jeff answers. “I wish I’d told you all sooner. But it is what it is, and everyone’s on the same page now, right?”

The rest of the group nods, Sunny watching and copying their movement. After they pull away, Jeff gets Sunny back from Abed and sits her down in his lap. The table’s focus is still on him as he looks down at the top of her head, adjusting the clip in her hair with a small smile flashing on his face.

“Now that we’ve settled all of that, let’s get back to studying, alright?” Jeff says.

The group nods and Annie goes back to the page they were on, everything the same with the exception of the baby casually perched on Jeff’s lap that he stops to entertain between questions.


	3. Year 2

SPRING

“C’mon, little one, I know you can do it. One more time. _Abed_.” Jeff says.

“Baba.” Sunny says back confidently.

Sunny’s sitting on the study room table, waiting for their meeting to start. Jeff points to where Abed’s sitting again.

“Abed.” Jeff repeats.

“Baba.”

“Okay, this time for _real_ pumpkin.” Jeff says, ready to try again. “Abed.”

“Baba.”

“Sunshine can call me whatever she wants.” Abed says with a smirk.

He walks over and picks Sunny up, swearing that she gets heavier by the day. “Isn’t that right, Sunshine?”

“Baba.” Sunny says back, grabbing at his nose with her hand.

Abed laughs and looks down at Jeff, who hopes Abed can’t see that his heart’s melted into a messy and embarrassing puddle on the floor.

“I guess you’re Baba.” Jeff says, and it’s harder than it should be to keep his voice steady.

“I guess I am.”

SUMMER

“Hey Britta, remember that time you didn’t believe I had a kid and it hurt my feelings real bad?” Jeff says over the phone.

“Am I ever gonna live that down?” Britta sighs.

“Eventually. Maybe. Maybe not.” Jeff replies. “But the reason I’m asking is because I was wondering if you could watch her tomorrow night. Just for a few hours.”

“Sure, didn’t have plans anyway. You got a date or something, Winger?”

“Actually, I do. And I was gonna feel like a dick if I cancelled at the last second.”

…

“I’m sorry, know you don’t really like kids.” Jeff says as Britta walks through the door. “No one else is around or I would’ve asked them.”

“I don’t _want_ kids, but I like them just fine, Jeff. I think Sunny’s great.”

Jeff looks up from the kitchen counter and smiles at her. “Thanks, really. If there’s an emergency you should obviously call 911, but if you need anything or have any questions you can call me, and if I don’t pick up for some reason call Abed and he’ll probably know. I’m leaving the address of the restaurant here too, just in case, and there’s food for her in the fridge, and if there’s anything in there you want just go for it. I wrote all this down over here but just so you know—”

“Jeff?” Britta stops him. “We’re gonna be just fine, alright?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” Jeff sighs. “This whole thing has me sort of anxious.”

“Don’t throw yourself into a tailspin over a dinner date, Jeff. If it goes well you can see him again, if not you never have to interact again. It’s the magic of online dating.”

“I guess you’re right.” Jeff laughs, and Sunny runs over, pulling on his pants leg.

Jeff scoops Sunny up and looks at her. “So Dad’s gonna go out for a little, and you’re gonna be really good for Aunt Britta, right?”

“Uhuh.” Sunny nods.

“Okay, why don’t you show her your restaurant?” Jeff says, pointing to her kitchen set and a tiny table and chairs.

She leads Britta over, and Jeff waves on his way out the door before Sunny can get upset that he’s leaving.

…

“How’d it go here?” Jeff asks as he unlocks the door and steps inside.

“She was great.” Britta says from her position splayed out across his couch. “We played restaurant, then did a puzzle, then played more restaurant. She ate all her food and I might’ve made myself a box of Abed’s noodles.”

“Was she alright going to bed?”

“We had to read about a dozen books first, but she went to bed just fine.” 

“I’ve got a three story limit at bedtime, or else she’d keep me up all night and my brain would probably fall out of my head.”

“Can’t blame her for taking advantage off me.” Britta grins. “It was really nice though.”

“I’m happy she was good for you, toddlers can be a lot.”

“I’ve never really been around little kids.” Britta says. “I was the youngest, and we didn’t have any cousins or anything. But it’s different. Nice. She doesn’t talk much, but you can tell she always knows what you’re saying.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of odd getting used to it. I used to talk to her a lot when she was really little, and it was just the two of us. Like, one-way conversations for hours, sometimes it was stupid stuff, complaining about how bad traffic was that day, but some of it was… stuff I’ve never said out loud before, you know? And it was nice, ‘cause it felt like she was listening even though I knew she couldn’t comprehend a word I said. But now she _can_ understand what I’m saying, and I can’t just talk her ear off about anything, you know?”

“Jeff, that might be the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Well you’ve got a way of therapizing me, I suppose.”

“I know.” Britta grins, looking proud of herself despite doing relatively little to get Jeff to open up. It was all her anyway though, Jeff knew that.

“I wouldn’t mind watching her again sometime, if tonight went well.”

“Is that my cue to tell you all about it?” Jeff asks.

“Duh doy.” Britta replies. “So how’d it go?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“Just okay?”

“Yeah.” Jeff says, leaning back on the couch opposite Britta. “I don’t really know.”

“Was he attractive?” She asks.

“I thought so.” Jeff shrugs.

Jeff pulls up Marcus’ Facebook profile on his phone and flips it around to show Britta. She snatches it out of his hand and scrolls through the first few photos. He’s got curly brown hair and glasses, and most of the pictures are with a four or five year old boy who’s presumably his.

“Okay, so that’s a definite yes on the attractiveness front. Honestly, I can’t see a single red flag on this whole page. What was wrong with him?”

“Nothing was wrong with him.” Jeff tells her. “It was just weird. I haven’t tried to date anyone since Sunny’s mom, and that didn’t work for a whole lot of reasons that all had to do with me.”

“What was she like?” Britta asks.

“Kinda tall, pretty, funny in a mean sort of way. You would definitely have a crush on her, but then again you fall in love with every woman who gets within fifty feet of you.”

Britta hits Jeff with the heel of her foot. “Jerk.”

“She was pretty understanding, considering. By the time I ended things with her, I was doing terrible, and she knew that there wasn’t much she could do to help me, and probably had some suspicions regarding my sexuality. But she still called me months later and was willing to hand Sunny over to me when I told her I could handle it.”

“Not to overstep—”

“You almost always do, Britta.” Jeff says, but he’s still smiling.

“But you guys dated for a pretty long while, right?”

“Almost a year.”

“And you had sex that whole time? Even though you don’t like women?”

Jeff laughs. “Yeah, I did. But there was always some other reason I told myself for having to grit my teeth and fake my way through. It was the alcohol, or the drugs, or in the rare case I was actually taking my meds it was _definitely_ those. Other things too, that I was too fat, or too upset about the case I’d just lost, or that she wasn’t good-looking enough when she definitely was. There had to be something, anything that would justify it for some reason other than the fact that I didn’t like girls. Harmony was far from the first woman I did with it, she just happened to be the last.“

Britta shifts on the couch so they’re each propped on an armrest and her legs are tangled with Jeff’s. “Did you sleep with Marcus?”

“He kissed me goodbye, but that’s it.”

“Would you have wanted to?”

Jeff shrugs. “I don’t think so. But _why not_? Dinner went well, he was super nice and he teaches elementary school which I thought was sort of cute, and everything he told me about his son seemed really great. But he was more the type of person I’d want to chat with in the waiting room of toddler gymnastics than someone I’d seriously want to bring into my kid’s life, you know?”

“Maybe you were thinking about someone else.”

“You mean Sunny?”

“No, stupid, I mean _Abed_.” Britta says, nudging Jeff with her foot pointedly.

“What about Abed?” Jeff asks.

“He’s already pretty involved in Sunny’s life.” Britta points out. “And I see the way you look at him sometimes Jeff. I’m an idiot but I’m not _blind_.”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t want to have a baby, Britta. He’s in his second year of college.”

“I don’t know, Jeff. Abed isn’t a kid, even if people might look at him that way, and he’s pretty unknowable. I wouldn’t just assume anything about what he wants.”

“Even if you’re right— I just don’t know.”

“Well how do you feel about him?”

Jeff thinks for a moment, grasping at some words that could summarize how he feels about Abed.

“I love being around him, but it scares me.” Jeff finally says.

“What scares you?”

“This is starting to sound more and more like a therapy session.”

“It wouldn’t be if you talked without me having to drag it out of you.” Britta says, hitting him with her foot again. “Just answer the question, Winger.”

“I’d want it to be him. That’s what scares me.”

“You’d want what?” Britta asks.

“If Sunny was to have another parent, I’d want it to be him. But knowing that makes it hard. I can’t tell him, cause that would just push him away.”

“I don’t think it would, Jeff.”

“Agree to disagree.” Jeff mumbles. “But I’m tired, you going home sometime, Perry?”

“Britta?” Jeff asks again, and sees that she’s fallen asleep, her cheek pressed against the back of the couch and one of Sunny’s stuffed animals wedged under her arm.

They’re too intertwined for him to move without knocking her off, so Jeff just grabs a blanket from the floor and throws it over them both. He can fall asleep anywhere after all, and for some reason this spot is much more comfortable than it looks.

FALL

“Which one, muffin?” Jeff asks, holding up two little coats, one green and one pink.

Sunny reaches up from her seat in the cart and points to the green one, and Jeff puts it in the basket.

“She might be a little young to actually know she’s picking her own clothes out.” Abed says.

“Probably, but I swear she’s got preferences anyway. And sometimes it feels like the least I can do, you know?”

“The least you can do for what?” Abed asks.

“I mean I’m buying her clothes _here_.”

Jeff waves his hand to gesture at the racks of clothes crowded into rows around them. The opposite wall was populated by terrible wall art and knickknacks, so much stuff packed into one building, none of it the same one trip to another. The place felt like a tiny treasure hunt, for the best, weirdest thing at the cheapest price. Abed loved it there.

“And?”

“I should be able to afford better than this shit.”

“I feel like bringing something home and washing it practically makes it new. And everyone always says she has adorable clothes.” Abed pulls out a sweater from the basket as an example. He’s consistently baffled by the size of children’s clothing, so he stares at it in comparison to his hand for a moment, then reads the tag. “Baby Ralph Lauren?” 

“I only buy her designer clothes.”

“Are you serious?” 

“Very.” Jeff smiles. “Just one of those things I do cause I feel like it makes me a better parent somehow.”

“Doesn’t really mean anything, though.”

“It does to me, and sometimes I just have to be like this for my own sanity. You’ll get it if you have kids someday.” Jeff says. “Do you even want kids? I don’t think I’ve ever asked you.”

Abed quirks his lip for a moment, thinking. “I guess I do, but not sure if I’ll ever have them.”

“Didn’t think I’d have one either, but here I am.”

“Yeah, but it’s different. I don’t know if I _could_ have one.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.” Abed says back, carding through hangers. “I always thought I was too messed up.”

“You’re not messed up, Abed.” Jeff says.

“I sort of am though. I don’t get people. I can’t make it through a day without screwing up somewhere. I don’t know so many things other people know. How am I supposed to teach a kid how to interact with the world when I don’t have a clue myself?”

“I’m not sure about all that,” Jeff answers, his hand coming to rest on Abed’s shoulder. “But you don’t need to know all the secrets of the universe, or at least I hope you don’t, otherwise I’m in trouble here. You’re gonna be a much better parent than I am someday.”

Jeff says it with complete confidence, and Abed’s heart snaps a little. At the easy faith he didn’t know Jeff had in him, and at the fact that if he did want kids, he’d be going about it with someone that wasn’t Jeff to have babies that weren’t Sunny, and that whole concept seems sort of second-rate compared to what’s in front of him right now.

“I don’t think that’s even possible, Jeff. And maybe I’m just not the type who can handle it.”

“You didn’t know me before I had her.”

“You’ve told me stories.” Abed replies.

Jeff furrows his brow and doesn’t say anything.

“But I know that’s not the same.” Abed adds.

“It... it really isn’t.” Jeff mutters. “I don’t know. I was a really shitty person, and maybe it was only ‘cause I hated myself, but that doesn’t change the fact that I hurt just about everyone I came in contact with. And I guess that was a product of wanting to die all the time until—.”

An older woman walks by, waving to Sunny, who waves back, and pretending not to be listening but very much doing so. Abed’s also found thrift store people to be very nosy, but he sort of likes that as well. Small talk seems to work a little different in these kinds of places. Jeff waits for her to walk by before he steps even closer to Abed, and they’re shoulder to shoulder.

“I’ve never told anyone this before.” Jeff finally says, his voice a little rougher than it was a moment ago. “But after I got disbarred, and broke up with Sunny’s mom, and realized I was gay, I drank and took some pills.”

He knows what Jeff means, what he tried to do, even if Jeff doesn’t say it aloud. Jeff looks back at him with a close-lipped smile that would be almost peaceful out of context.

“ _Jeff_.” Abed chokes out, unable to find any more words.

“Well I started to realize that it was actually about to work, and I guess I found some survival instincts I didn’t think I had, because apparently I called an ambulance, and the next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital two days later. And I was terrified, and I regretted it, cause I realized I would’ve been dead with not a lot to show for my life.”

“And Sunny’s mom was pregnant with her then.” Jeff adds, picking the baby up from her seat and kissing her head.

For a moment he looks into Sunny’s eyes and seems to forget Abed’s even there.

“I’m so sorry, kiddo. I didn’t know. I would never have done it if I knew, I _promise_.” Jeff whispers, holding Sunny’s face close to his. “I promise a million times. I’m not gonna leave you, ever.”

It isn’t the first time he’s said this to her, just the first one that someone else could hear. She bats a hand towards his cheek, giggling. Maybe she understands more than she used to, but she still has no idea what Jeff’s saying to her when he apologizes for this. He wonders how it’s going to feel when she’s too old for him to say it to her face, if he’ll feel any less guilty by then.

“Jeff, I’m really sorry.” Abed says.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, it was all before you knew me.”

“I know. But I am sorry. That it happened like that, I guess. And for what it’s worth, I’m really happy you’re here.”

“You know what?” Jeff says, with a real smile this time, so bright and perfect that Abed doesn’t think it would fit on anyone else. ”I’m happy I’m here too. I never would’ve had Sunny, never would’ve met you or the study group. She’d probably be adopted by some family who would’ve given her a much better name, and your life would’ve been a little more boring. Or maybe less boring. I do rope you into some domestic bullshit.”

Abed doesn’t know how to say that his life would probably be terrible without Jeff. That it would be pointless and unanchored and he’d have no friends that didn’t live on the tv and he wouldn’t really care about anyone or anything. Especially not the way he cares about Jeff and Sunny. He wants to tell Jeff exactly how he feels right there, pretenses and eavesdropping shoppers be damned. Tell him that he’s never felt like this before, so full of admiration and pride and understanding and their own brand of blissful domesticity that it might just have to be love.

Instead he swallows his words and pulls out a hanger from the rack.

“How about this?” Abed asks, holding up a dress covered in a sun print.

“Check the tag.”

“They’re all a dollar—“

“No, the tag on the dress.”

“There isn’t one, not sure why.” Abed replies, handing the dress over to jeff.

He inspects the neckline, then flips it inside out and runs his fingers along the stitching. 

“Someone made it by hand.” Jeff tells him. “You can tell by the stitches, especially on the sleeves here.”

Abed leans in and Jeff points out the little touches, how the zipper’s affixed in the back with a ring to make it easier to use, uneven seams and threads that aren’t all quite the same shade of yellow.

“So you don’t want it?” Abed asks.

“I think we can get it.” Jeff answers. “It’s sort of nice, isn’t it? Like someone worked so hard on that, made it for someone’s kid that they really cared about. Sort of sad that it ended up here next to all the old Walmart clothes.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. You sort of know a lot about this stuff.” Abed says.

“You’re not the only one carrying all their unnecessary knowledge around.” 

Sunny babbles happily in reply.

“Cool cool cool.” Abed says, hooking the hanger onto the side of the cart.

“Cool cool cool.” Sunny repeats.

“Careful, or she’s gonna steal your catchphrase.” Jeff tells Abed.

He tilts his head at Sunny, who tilts hers to match. “We can share it.”


	4. Year 3

SUMMER

It’s a hot summer day, and the air conditioning in the apartment is a little less than functional, so Jeff’s laying on the couch shirtless, Sunny in a tank top and shorts scribbling through a coloring book on the rug next to him. Her hair’s up in two pigtails that, as always, were knotty an hour into the day, and the outfit’s covered in little daisy print. She’s muttering colors to herself as she picks them up, and Jeff takes a second to appreciate the fact that he ended up with the single cutest kid on the planet.

It makes it easier to look over the fact that he’s walking around in nothing but athletic shorts because of some stuff his therapist told him about _existing in your body_ and _mirror exposure therapy_ that he isn’t entirely sure he even believes. He does prefer the sweaters and hoodies he wears in the colder weather, and he’d always excused that to himself by saying that they were just more comfortable. That he could look at himself naked if he needed to, exactly like he had when he was a lawyer and dating Harmony and looked like _that_. When he lived off scotch and cigarettes and every single part of him was wasting away but it didn’t matter because he could count his ribs and his abs at the same time and once she described him as _skinny_ in front of their friends and he thought about it for weeks. Yeah, he could look at himself just like he used to then, so this whole thing was pointless.

To that, his therapist encouraged him to “ _Just try it”_ and when the time came he realized that _no, he couldn’t_. The second he stepped in front of the mirror naked and tried to feel _neutral_ about the entire situation he failed miserably. But he refused to give up entirely, because he was Jeff fucking Winger and he had a kid now so that name meant something and he was _done_ losing to this over and over. So he compromised with himself, settling on hanging around more exposed than he’d like to be, with the shorts covering just enough that he could look down without feeling completely sick.

Sunny gets up from her crayons and stands next to Jeff. “Water?”

“What do you say?”

“Pwease.” Sunny answers, and Jeff grabs her sippy cup from the table next to him and passes it to her.

“Good girl. You’ve gotta learn some manners, I’m plenty rude for the both of us already.”

She grabs it tight in both hands, drinking for a long moment, then puts it down next to her.

“Boo boo?” Sunny asks, putting her finger on the scar over Jeff’s appendix. Before he can say anything, her curious little hand pulls the waistband of his shorts down an inch or two, revealing the start of scars that line down his hips and thighs and tilting her head in consideration.

“Boo boo.” Sunny repeats, and Jeff is wishing desperately that there was a parenting book that went over this scenario. “Why?”

“I was... I was sick. A long time ago. But not anymore.” Jeff stutters.

She tilts her head a little, but seems to take this answer well enough.

“Kiss it better?” Sunny asks.

“You want to?”

Sunny nods.

“Yeah. Okay.”

She leans over and presses her lips to the scar, and Jeff hopes it’s wet from her just drinking that water and not some other gross reason, and tries really, really hard not to let tears spill down the sides of his face. When she pulls away, looking accomplished, Jeff grabs her and holds her close to his chest.

“You’re such a great kid, you know that lovebug?”

Sunny doesn’t say anything back, just smiles and climbs on the couch, laying on top of him with her arms around his chest. Her body heat only makes him hotter, but he knows he could never ask her to move, so they stay like that for a while, Sunny petting his stubble with her tiny fingertips and giggling until Jeff can’t stop laughing with her.

That night, after he puts Sunny to bed and takes his own shower, Jeff steps in front of the full length mirror he’s exiled to the corner of his bedroom, takes off his towel, and forces himself to look. He even goes as far as to sit on the floor in a less-than flattering position that only highlights his stomach and thighs and studies himself from that angle as well. But Sunny’s taken the sharp edge off his emotions; the deep, burning shame just doesn’t have the same foothold. At the end of it all he gets under the covers and goes to sleep naked just for the hell of it, feeling an odd sort of invincible. Like when you lose something and find it again years later, long after you’ve accepted it was gone forever, and for a second you think you might be the luckiest person in the world.

CHRISTMAS EVE

“God, Jeff, this is a ton of stuff.”

“I’d hope so.” Jeff laughs. “I’ve been picking toys up whenever I have the money since June. We can leave some aside for her birthday, it’s only a month away anyhow.”

“Sounds good.” Abed says, settling down next to Jeff and grabbing a box.

They’re both a little drunk off eggnog, just enough to be giggling in hushed whispers as they work so they don’t wake Sunny.

“Make sure you give her this one tomorrow, she asked for it.” Abed tells Jeff, passing a box over to him.

It’s plastic food for her kitchen set, which is somehow constantly disappearing into couch cushions and coat pockets, and it’s also in a perfectly shaped rectangular box, which he figures is Abed having some mercy on him. He starts to wrap the box up, the corners always crinkling in ways Abed’s don’t and tape holding together the paper he cut just a sliver too small.

“Hey Abed?” Jeff says after a few more minutes of silent work, Abed’s perfect packages in a stack and Jeff’s less-than-perfect ones next to them.

“Yeah?” Abed says, pressing tape to a seam.

“Thank you.”

“It’s no problem, Annie taught me how to wrap gifts this year and it’s really satisfying.” Abed answers offhandedly.

“No.” Jeff says back, which earns him a confused look. “I mean, it’s Christmas Eve, actually Christmas at this point—“ He looks to the clock, and Abed takes his word for it. “and it’s already one of the best ones of my life. ‘Cause I’ve got you and Sunny. I just can’t imagine the last few years without you around. Plus Sunny loves you to pieces, and her opinion’s worth a lot more than mine.”

He takes a breath and begs himself not to say the rest, but the words fall out anyway.

“I love you too, though. Really love you, I think.”

Abed looks up at Jeff, clearly taken aback by the sudden confession but still serene as ever. He blinks slowly, his fingers trembling in his lap, and Jeff wants to grab his hands to steady them. But Abed closes the gap between them and cups Jeff’s face in his hand, leaning in until they’re inches apart. His lips open like he’s about to say something, Jeff can see him trying to think of it, but then he seems to give up on words entirely and pulls Jeff into a kiss.

As soon as Jeff kisses back Abed’s melting. Everything’s surreal, Jeff’s soft lips on his and the hand balanced on his thigh making him dizzy. Abed has made himself busy for the past few years, with dozens of hookups who were never quite Jeff, and none of it could compare to this. The real Jeff is impossibly warm under his fingertips, kissing him like no one else could, equal parts gentle and eager.

“I’m sorry if that was too much.” Jeff says as they pull away for air.

It wasn’t too much, just the opposite, it was only the smallest taste of what he wanted with Jeff. And now that’s he’s had it he wants more, he wants _everything_ , can’t believe he’s waited this long already. Before he can tell Jeff this, he hears a noise.

Abed puts a finger up. “Listen.” He whispers.

There are tiny footsteps coming down the hall, and before Sunny can see them, Abed points Jeff to hide between the couch and the wall. The gap isn’t quite big enough for Jeff’s shoulders to fit, and he’s laying at an awkward angle with Abed on top of him. Neither say a word as the steps come closer.

“Santa?” Sunny’s little voice calls out. “Hello?”

They wait silently until they can hear her walk back down the hall and close her bedroom door. When it shuts, they both let out a breath, then settle with their foreheads touching. Abed moves an inch and presses his lips to Jeff’s again. As they kiss, ignoring the uncomfortable position and the imminent muscle aches, Abed slides a hand under Jeff’s shirt and he freezes.

“Hey Abed,” Jeff whispers. “You know I don’t like, have a nice body or anything, right? I mean I haven’t worked out nearly enough since Sunny was born, and I kinda have some scars and—”

“You know I’ve seen you shirtless already, right?”

“Yeah, but I don’t want you to be disappointed—”

Abed cuts him off with another kiss. “There’s nothing in the entire world that could disappoint me right now. I’ve wanted this for so long, Jeff, you have no idea.”

“I think I have some sort of idea.”

Jeff looks at Abed’s face, bathed in the soft lights of the Christmas tree, and forgets how to breathe for a second. Abed shifts out from behind the couch and grabs Jeff’s hand to guide him out as well. He carefully lays Jeff on the floor and hovers over him, dark eyes shining, pulling up Jeff’s sweatshirt just enough to wrap his hands around his waist, those few inches so full of an intimacy Jeff can hardly process. He can already feel his eyes watering when Abed starts kissing his forehead, then his cheeks, then his lips again.

“Are you crying?” Abed asks, pulling away.

“No. Yes. But it doesn’t matter. Please don’t stop.” Jeff begs.

“Okay, okay.” Abed whispers gently, wiping Jeff’s eyes with his thumbs before leaning right back down to kiss him again.

They exchange kisses for what feels like forever, rolling around on the floor and putting their hands all over each other until Abed gets poked in the shoulder with the roll of tape. They sit up, still inches apart, both breathing heavy, trying to quiet their laughter at how and weird and beautiful and brand new everything between them feels.

When he finally catches his breath, Jeff catches Abed’s eye and smiles.

“Okay, this is _definitely_ the best Christmas ever.”

Suddenly he realizes how little time they’ve got left to wrap packages, and they get back to work, but Jeff finds that every time he looks up Abed’s eyes are already on him.

“Can I stay?” Abed asks as he’s putting tape on the last gift, so quietly Jeff can hardly hear.

“Of course.” Jeff answers, leaning over to kiss him again, just to remind himself that he can.

“One last thing before we go.” Abed says, walking over to the plate of cookies Sunny left out and taking a few strategic bites from each of them.

“I definitely would’ve forgotten about that.” Jeff laughs, grabbing Abed by the arm and leading them as they tiptoe past Sunny’s bedroom door.

CHRISTMAS DAY

Abed wakes up, not too long after they fell asleep, and any other day he’d be exhausted, but right now he thinks he could go run a marathon if it wasn’t for Jeff’s limbs holding him to the bed.

“Hey Jeff?” Abed says, touching a finger to his cheek.

“Alright princess, be right up.” Jeff mumbles, then promptly falls back asleep.

Abed shakes Jeff’s shoulder a little, which takes some contortion with the position Jeff’s put them in. “Hey, it’s me, Abed. Also it’s Christmas.”

Jeff finally blinks his eyes open and remembers where he is, the events of the night before flooding his memory all at once when he sees Abed’s face beside him and realizes it wasn’t all a wildly good dream.

“I’d offer to make you coffee or something, but you’ve got me little trapped here.” Abed says.

“Sorry.” Jeff says, moving the arm he has wrapped around Abed’s chest and the leg splayed over Abed’s hips. “I forgot I was clingy like that.”

“It’s alright.” Abed answers.

He turns to look at Jeff, his hair rumpled and his eyelids heavy, a sleepy, delirious smile wide across his whole face. Abed isn’t entirely sure where they stand now, even if Jeff told him he _loves_ him last night, which still doesn’t feel like it actually happened. But he can’t resist leaning over and placing a kiss on his cheek.

“I was afraid you might’ve changed your mind about me.” Jeff says as Abed pulls away.

Abed looks at him in shock. “You really think I’d spend one night with you and be _done_?”

“I guess not, then.” Jeff replies.

“So… what are we?” Abed asks. “Is calling you my boyfriend too cheesy?”

Jeff’s already impossibly gentle face softens a bit at that. “Definitely not. You can— you can be my boyfriend, then.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” Jeff answers quickly. “I’ve just never gotten to call anyone that before. Didn’t think it would feel like this.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Not at all.” Jeff says. “It feels right. And as much as I’d like to sleep for the rest of the day, we’ve gotta get Sunny up before she wakes up and opens all those presents without us.”

…

“Morning, Sunshine.” Abed says, picking her up off her tiny bed.

“Why you here Baba?” Sunny asks groggily, rubbing her eyes.

“I stayed here last night, but I think someone else was here too, you know.”

“Santa?”

“Maybe.” Abed answers. “Want to go check?”

“Yes!” Sunny tells him, wide-eyed. 

Abed puts her down and she runs out to the living room, gasping in surprise when she sees all the presents under the tree.

“Santa _did_ come.” She says, grabbing the first gift she sees and trying to rip off the wrapping paper.

“Of course he did,” Jeff smiles, sitting down next to her. “you were such a good kid this year.”

“This one’s messy.” Sunny points out, picking up one of Jeff’s worse attempts and trying to tear into it.

“Oh come _on_ ,” Jeff groans, Abed laughing beside him. “Did you pay her to say that?”

…

“What do you think she’s gonna do?” Abed asks as they watch Sunny putting making a tower out of her new blocks from the couch.

“I have no idea.” Jeff laughs. “How do you even explain this sort of stuff to a kid? I mean she doesn’t even know what dating is. Is this gonna weird her out?”

“I hope not.” Abed says, leaning over to kiss Jeff.

“Daddy!” Sunny yells, running over to them as soon as their lips meet.

“What’s up, buttercup?”

“Can’t do that.” She tells him, wedging herself between Jeff and Abed on the couch.

“I can’t do _this_?” Jeff asks, kissing Abed again.

“Daddy stop, you’re gonna get cooties.” Sunny says, grabbing onto his face.

“Baba’s gonna give me cooties?” Jeff laughs.

“Uhuh.” Sunny nods seriously.

“Am I gonna give you cooties too Sunshine?” Abed asks, kissing her on the forehead.

“Baba _stop it_!” Sunny giggles, squirming in his arms.

When she’s settled down Jeff gets her attention again.

“If I promise you Baba doesn’t have cooties, can I kiss him again?”

“Promise?” Sunny asks.

“I’ve been vaccinated against them, scout’s honor.” Abed tells her. “100% certified cootie-free.”

“Cool cool cool.” Sunny says after thinking about it for a minute. “Can we go play now?”

…

“Merry Christmas guys!” Annie calls as she opens the door, her arms full of gift bags.

“Hi Aunt Annie!” Sunny says. “Santa came last night!”

“Really? Wanna show me what he brought you?” Annie asks.

Before Jeff and Abed can even greet her from the kitchen, Sunny’s whisked Annie away to show her all the toys that have been opened up and scattered across the floor. Troy comes in a few minutes later, and while he gets caught up in a board game Annie makes her way into the kitchen.

“You two look more domestic than usual.” Annie says with a raised eyebrow as she slides up to the counter.

Abed turns to Jeff with a look that clearly states, _“This one is all you”_ , so Jeff sighs and takes his attention from the stovetop to Annie’s face.

“We may have… realized some things. Last night.”

“That’s really awesome you guys—wait, _last night_?” Annie starts to fawn then stops herself short.

Jeff and Abed both turn to her.

“You’re saying you started dating last night?”

“Technically sort of this morning.” Abed tells her.

“Goddamnit!” Annie says under her breath.

Just then, Britta and Shirley walk in, with Pierce right behind them. Before they can take off their coats or make it more than two steps into the apartment, Annie’s frantically jumped in front of them.

“You guys have _got_ to hear this.” She says.

“Got to hear what?” Troy asks from the other side of the room.

“They got together—” She says, pointing at Jeff and Abed. Jeff tries to hide his huge grin and Abed covers his face with his hand. “Last night.”

“I fucking told you guys!” Britta says, jumping up excitedly.

“Hey, I’ve still got a kid, you know.” Jeff shoots back.

“Sorry, sorry.” Britta pauses. “But you b-words all better pay up right now, especially you, Pierce. Looks like _someone’s_ making rent this month.” She says, pointing at herself as Shirley fishes her wallet out of her purse.

“Did you guys seriously have a bet running for when we were going to get together?” Jeff asks.

“It was more of a bet on when you were going to tell us you were together.” Shirley says. “Britta was the only one who didn’t think you’d been dating secretly.”

“Troy, I would’ve told you at the very least.” Abed says from across the room.

“See, I thought that too, and then it got to the point where it just _didn’t seem possible_ that you weren’t dating. My bet was that it had only been a month or two.”

“A month or two?!” Jeff repeats.

“Mine was between six months and a year, Shirley thought it’d been at least a year, and Pierce thought you’d been together since the first day we met.” Annie explains.

“Well, not quite the reaction we were expecting, but it is what it is.” Jeff says.

“We are happy for you guys.” Annie says. “Everything between you just seemed so obvious that we thought maybe you didn’t want to make a whole thing out of it.”

“Still don’t wanna make a thing out of it.” Abed says pointedly.

“In that case we can leave it at that.” Shirley says, placing enough trays of food and baked goods on the counter to feed all of them and another dozen people.

…

“Okay hedgehog, you can play with Uncle Troy later but now it’s time to eat.” Jeff calls, laying her plate out at the table.

“Jeff, at some point you’ve got to be kidding with the names.” Britta says. “That’s literally just an animal.”

“So I’m supposed to call my daughter by her actual _name_? Like the one I wrote on her birth certificate?”

“This might come as a shock to you Jeff, but plenty of parents do.”

“Eh, I don’t think so.” Jeff dismisses. “For real, muffin.”

“Five more minutes?” Troy asks, moving his Candyland piece forward. “We aren’t at a good stopping point, alright?”

“Troy, you’re worse than her.” Jeff sighs. “But fine.”

The group sits down for dinner, Sunny sitting next to Jeff in her booster seat, and it doesn’t look too out of the ordinary, all of them elbow to elbow because they insist at sitting around Jeff’s tiny table. They have plenty of meals all together, birthdays and holidays and late nights before final exams. Family dinners, Jeff figures, or the closest equivalent he’s ever known. There’s always something comforting about looking out across the table at everyone’s faces, like seeing them all once reminds him of their realness. When Sunny finishes her food she climbs into his lap, he places his hand on Abed’s forearm and in return he carefully slides their fingers together. It’s a reminder that tonight is different, impossibly better when Jeff had long accepted things were the best they were ever going to get, until Abed proved him wrong. Jeff was usually wrong, and he was finally starting to enjoy it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for sticking through! this is the end of part one, im hoping to have the rest of this out in another two installments sometime this month ❤️


End file.
